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Where The Heart Is
Some people think they’re “all that.” For most of my adult life, I’ve had to fight against a troubling automatic thought: that I’m “all not.” A major part of my depression finds me constantly...
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The Power Of Suggestion
I don’t shy away from discussing the realities of my depression. This blog is a fine example of my candor. I find writing about my struggles to be a major part of the healing process. I often tell...
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First Love
When you’re depressed, forming relationships is a challenge. If you’re uncomfortable with who you are, it’s hard to love someone else. And it’s not like love puts an end to depression. Love helps but...
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Hire Purpose
I’m good at reading about life from a distance. Making a living is where my trouble lies. Do I find a job around my passion—namely, reading and writing—or do I hold a job and pursue my passion for...
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Don’t Be Cruel
The other night I had a dream worthy of some Freudian analysis. A figure outside myself but clearly a part of my psyche asked me a question: Why be kind? Why be kind when the world is full of cruelty?...
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Recovering Neurotic
A few days ago I joined an online dating site for people living with mental illness. During the sign-up process, I answered basic questions about myself and the type of woman I’m looking for. Unlike...
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Fear And Cruelty
While I was in the checkout line at my favorite grocery store this morning, a female customer caused a stir. She walked up to the lady behind me and just kept talking. She might have been speaking...
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A Life Of Magical Thinking
I don’t remember exactly when it began. Maybe I was seven or eight. I started playing a game in my mind: tomorrow would be good, the next bad; a day later would be good, the next bad. After a two-week...
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Critical Theory
I find myself attracted to art that might be labeled “depressing.” Sometimes I fear I’m simply indulging my illness, looking for verification of the thought: “Life sucks and then you die.” In my...
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Snapshots Of The Bigger Picture
There is a strong link between my depression and my perfectionism. When I’m down it’s often from trying to control the uncontrollable. And when my projects end up flawed I blame myself for being human....
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Battle Fatigue
In rehab it’s possible that Robin Williams’ doctors treated him as a dual diagnosis patient. A dual diagnosis indicates that a patient suffers from some form of mental illness along with substance...
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To Live With My Ailments
“Since when did self-awareness lead to a change in behavior?” So said a character recently on one of my favorite shows. She has a point. Enlightened souls have blind spots. Smart people do stupid...
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Mourning Sickness
In 1917 Freud wrote his influential “Mourning and Melancholia” essay in which he compares the process of mourning a loved one versus the persistent sadness involved in depression. When a loved one dies...
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Destined To Be Free
“We do not know what we want, and yet we are responsible for what we are.” –Sartre “Freedom of choice Is what you’ve got Freedom from choice Is what you want” —Devo A brief sketch of Sartre’s basic...
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Into The Woods
I’ve learned in therapy a lot about the difference between fear and anxiety. More than one clinician has used what I’ve termed “the bear analogy.” Fear is a bear chasing you in the woods—you have to...
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Cosmic Insignificance
Nietzsche on the nature of reflection: “When we try to examine the mirror in itself we discover nothing but things upon it. If we want to grasp the things we finally get hold of nothing but the mirror....
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A Radical Metamorphosis Of Identity
In her groundbreaking 2012 book The New Wounded: From Neurosis to Brain Damage, Catherine Malabou assumes different roles. She’s part psychoanalyst, part neurobiologist, part philosopher. Malabou...
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Sensitive Subject
In my encounters with other depressed and anxious people I have found behind their struggles a deep sense of compassion. Are they compassionate as a result of living with mental illness or is their...
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Patient, Interrupted
There are strange doctors in every specialty. Offbeat cardiologists. Creepy podiatrists. Sketchy dermatologists. Then there’s almost every psychiatrist I’ve seen. Socially awkward? Speak incredibly...
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The Spirit Of Melancholy
I took away three main ideas from Alina N. Feld’s brilliant analysis of depression in Melancholy and the Otherness of God. First, philosophers from Ancient Greece to modern times have seen the...
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